Why am I so lazy? Why do I feel like a failure?

“I don’t know” is the statement I always come back to.

That is the answer to my life at the minute.

The way I feel most of the time, is lazy, unmotivated and disorganised. These feelings are in my mind, I know that, but it is difficult fighting these feelings.

There is a mixture of things that have happened that could have put to me being lazy now in my everyday life. One is my mum being OCD when I was younger. My mum, always cleaned, if we just had a biscuit and there was one crumb on the floor, she would hoover. There wasn’t a time she would stop and relax. Every week she would do a deep clean cleaning the skirting boards and whatnot.

Because she did this all the time, I think subconsciously I thought “my mum will clean it up” so I never really did anything when I was younger, I would only do chores when I was offered money. This behaviour has grown up with me into my adult life. My room at uni would be so messy and dirty because I didn’t want to tidy it, I just didn’t want to waste my energy when I could just lie in bed and watch a film.

Even now with my own flat, I have to plan what I am going to do to clean it. I have to find energy to clean the flat I live in. I don’t have habits in my life, I leave dishes in the sink, even when the dishwasher is empty, I leave clothes on the kitchen top when they have finished drying cause I can’t be arsed to fold and put them away.

I have lived a very privileged life where my mum has done everything for me, and it is going to take a lot to break down this and escape this mentality that I have had for the past 22 years, to get out of thinking I have the safety net that ‘my mum will just do it.’

So, why am I lazy? I was a very active child. I was apart of many after school activities, I did ballet, dance, karate, jujitsu, judo, I swam a lot, I was in my primary school football team, I was in my high school’s netball team, I did badminton after school, I would go to the community gym, I would do mini-workout routines nearly every day when I was in highshcool, I would walk home every day from high school and that took an hour, I was in many theatre productions in high school, I would ride my bike and go for walks to the local nature reserve, I did violin and piano, I was in my uni’s hockey team, so why am I lazy now?

Where did this get up and go attitude go? All of the activities I just mentioned, I quit. I stopped doing them. Is this the reason why I feel like a failure, and why I feel like I can never finish anything because everything I have done I have quit?

I can always blame outside forces for making me lazy and why I quit certain things. I had my back done so I couldn’t do sport for a year – this is why I quit swimming, I had a weird piano teacher, that’s why I quit piano, I wasn’t getting good at violin, that’s why I quit violin, my dad went on duty a lot, that’s why I quit jujitsu and karate, I wasn’t good at football or netball and I didn’t want to embarrass myself, so I quit.

The reality I need to face is that I quit and I am lazy because of my own doing, it is not the world or the universes fault as to why I quit so many things, it is the insecurities and my own my mind that defeated me. It is my own doing.

This is why I am not doing my blog, youtube or twitch. I don’t see them growing, and I think that I am not doing something right or I think that there is no point in doing them because it won’t go anywhere, so I stop them when they are still in the baby stage, I don’t put my all or effort into projects or hobbies because I don’t want to waste my energy on something that I think will fail. I don’t want to have wasted my time when something has failed.

I don’t want to see something that I was so passionate about be shit and seem like it was pointless. I don’t want to be embarrassed, I feel like I don’t put my all in because I don’t want to be judged by people, this is why I am jealous of people who put all into their passions, because I feel like when I am putting my all in people are talking about me and how ugly I am, or how shit the things I am doing are. I don’t want to be perceived as a loser for putting all into what I like, or discussing things I like, I don’t like being judged.

This is what I mean when I say I feel like and I know it is my own insecurities stopping me. Or is it just simply that I am a lazy shit?

How do I get out of this mindset? I am trying to create habits that help me with everything I have just mentioned. I am going to write a post about the habits I am going to try and implement into my life.

This article talks about why laziness is a myth. It says that laziness is a myth and people actually have a fear of failure and success, as well as other points. But I feel that I actually have these fears when I actually deep it.

I don’t like failing so I stop doing something and putting my all into it because I don’t want to fail – this is why I missed my first-year law exam, as I failed my A-Level exam and I didn’t want to fail it again, so I didn’t revise or even show up for the exam. On the flip side, I don’t want to succeed as I don’t like attention and I don’t want people to think I am a ‘nerd’ or a ‘loser’ for doing well or taking pride in something that I like or am doing, therefore I don’t put the effort in so it’s a mediocre finish and it is just average.

I am stuck in the middle, I am in purgatory. How do I stop feeling this way? If you have any comments or suggestions on what I can do then please leave them in the comments, do you feel this way, if so then please let me know? I might do another post about this topic in a few weeks, discussing more and what I am doing to try and stop it.

This is the first time, writing this post, that I have actually realised that there is actually problem and by just writing I have let my subconscious thoughts come out and it has been therapy for me. Most of these things I haven’t wrote in my notes and, weirdly I have something to finally think about and work on.

Let me know what you think in the comments.

KatyNella xoxo

Lockdown Lowdown; My Thoughts

What has been happening to us all is weird. This has never happened in our lifetime, it is a worldwide crisis, a pandemic, unchartered territory for all of us, so what are we suppose to think, do and say?

My thoughts are all over the place, I am constantly putting my mind in overdrive by thinking, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Do I be productive and do stuff that I haven’t been able to do before, or should I just use this time to chill and stay in bed and watch Netflix?

The latter, I have always done, so you would think that I would start working out, start writing my blog, filming videos or learning something different, but the reality is that I have just been waking up at 3pm, watching the same old stuff over and over again then repeating the cycle the next day.

I feel obligated to use this time to change my life, start something new, be productive and I feel shit when I don’t. I feel shit because other people are making use of their time, but I shouldn’t feel that way. Everyone will go through different things and emotions, maybe this is my way of coping?

Should I or Shan’t I? Is the question, there is not many weeks of lockdown left and I feel like I have failed myself by not making the changes I want, so where do we go from here? I am going to start a series on my blog called “Lockdown Lowdown” and I am going to try and be more productive and write about everything I have achieved or tried to.

I will be putting up a list in the next few days of things I want to do in the lockdown, and if you want you can come along this journey with me, but don’t feel obliged to do anything.

For the past few years, I have always felt in a slump, I feel like I am nowhere near the person I want to be, nowhere near the things I want to do and experience and I have no knowledge to get out of this slump, but this lockdown is the chance to research, read and learn how to.

I want to become the person that I can be proud of and I am nowhere near that person.

This is it for now, so hopefully I will continue this, unlike many things I have quit in the past.

Stay safe and stay home!

KatyNella xo

NEW DECADE

Hello,

Well we have now entered a new decade and this means so many things for me, you and the world.

This post is generally for me to write down my thoughts and process them and set a plan so that it’s out there on the interwebs and I will be held accountable, even though that it has never happened before and I haven’t stuck to anything I have said, big yikes.

What I want to attempt with this blog is just daily content, and get in a state and feeling of accomplishment by the end of the year.

Now posts that I want to write in the next few weeks is a recap of 2019, going over my old resolutions, top ‘somethings’ of the decade, what I want to achieve this decade and year. I also want to push the boundaries and do different styles of posts on the blog, and my YouTube and Twitch, so HOPEFULLY there will be big things coming. WATCH THIS SPACE.

What I want to introduce on the blog is a series of profile pieces about people from around the world, I have already got someone, I just need to write it up, but it is difficult with work at the mo, but that is me time managing and motivation, so this is something I want to work on.

I also want to introduce a ‘dream journal’ page. This is where I will write stories about my dreams, cause they are crazy and random and I think the world needs to know about them.

I have about 30 posts in my drafts and I don’t know whether or not I want to scrap them and start a new, or just spend an afternoon writing them, they are some good ideas and I think I just need to stop being a piece of shit and just write!

That’s where my head is at. I want to become a better me, so let’s hope 2020 does this for me!

Enjoy the new year and see you soon!

KatyNells xoxo

Overwhelmed and Stressed

Its 2am and I am writing my blog post by a plastic candle. I am in such a weird state of mind as of late. Does anyone get that? I am in my last semester of my third year. And it’s really, really stressful. I have so many deadlines, so much to do and I can’t seem to be bothered to do anything.

Even with this blog and youtube, you don’t understand how much I really want to blog, stream and youtube, but I just really seem not bothered. It makes me think, if I really want to do something and I can’t be arsed, what if I get a job that I dint enjoy I just won’t do it. And it’s scary, thinking I might not get a job, or that I will be shit at that job.

With my deadlines, there are so many people I need to contact, and I am worried they won’t want to help me in my projects, even though I have done everything one thousand times before, I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it all.

This weird state of mind is really fucking me off. I know I am lazy, un-motivated and un-active but i just can’t seem to get out of it!

I am overthinking everything! There is so much I want to do, but I need to remember I am only 21 years old, and I have years to do stuff so I should calm down.

I want to get into gym and yoga, I am just anxious of people staring, and not being able to do it basically. I had surgery on my back when I was 14 to fix my scoliosis, so I have two metal rods down my back and I havant been able to find yoga stretches, or exercises that I can do that won’t put much pressure on my back.

I want to get more into astrology and crystals and herbal remedies and stuff like that. I want to stop being a lazy fucker and actually make something of my life you know? I want to become more knowledgable and cultured. I want to read non-fiction books.

I actually feel like I am lost, I feel like I am at sea with no lifeboat, no raft, no life jacket and the sharks are circling me, I just feel really weird.

I just want to help people, I want to make enough money to support my mum, my dad, my sisters, my family, my friends and my future children, but that is stressing me out.

I replied to a Ted talk tweet about having a video to watch about motivation and procrastination in December, I STILL HAVEN’T WATCHED IT! If that isn’t the epitome of encapsulating me then I don’t know what is ūüė¶

If anyone has any advice on what to do with dealing with thoughts like these, or any advice or any thing they want to share then please feel free and welcome to.

Katy Nells xoxo

The same story, just a different cover

Hello,

So today I woke up at 2pm, got out of bed, had two bowls of cereal, then crawled back into my bed, and I have just lay here for three hours.

It is currently 17:50pm and I keep saying I will be productive, I will do meditation, I will revise, I will exercise, I will read and do this and that and in the end I just re watch youtube videos I have watched 500 times because I am at a point where I say things and not do them, which leaves me feeling like a piece of shit.

I keep writing posts about “how I am lazy and have no motivation” and that “I will change” but I never really do. I just re design the cover of the story and the words I say, but nothing actually really changes.

SO WHAT NOW?

The truth is, I DONT KNOW.

I want, no, I need to be inspired. I need to take action of my own life, but I don’t want to, cause for me thats to much effort, and I hate effort. I need to take better care of my mind, my body, my health, my schooling, my money situation, I just need to be a better person so that my life can be better.

I am not saying I have a bad life, cause it is a good one, I just want to feel like I am actually accomplishing it, I want to grab life by the balls and fuck it up.

Thats the first step, realising that you need something to change, but this is my problem. I have stayed in this step for the past 6 years of my life. I never do things, I never put my 100% effort into projects, I never prove to myself that I can do things, I always, ALWAYS crumble at the first hurdle, the first problem, I always either quit, run away, procrastinate, make up bullshit excuses, hide and I hate that about myself.

I hate that there is something I hate about myself. You should never ‘hate’ something about yourself, you should always love yourself.

I hate how lazy I am, I hate how angry I can get, I hate how unmotivated I am, I hate how stubborn and impulsive I am, I hate my body, I hate my tree trunk legs, I hate how fat my arms are, I hate how there is fat above my ankles and that you can tell there is, I hate untidy and unorganised I am, I hate the fact that I sweat a lot and that is something I am so cautious about, I hate how I think I am so ugly, I hate how my mind is sometimes, I hate that I always quit and never go through with what I say I will.

How do I move on to step 2? How do I move past these thoughts, cause in reality I just don’t want to do stuff, I am that unmotivated I just can’t be arsed. And then I can’t moan or whine about it to anyone because it is all my fault. All I do is throw my self pity parties and tweet “how much a mess my life is’, I look at peoples videos, instagram posts and I envy their life.

I can write lists, I can say I change something but I won’t. I have loads of notepads and books that I can write in, create a “plan of life” but that will not help me, cause it has never helped me before.

My problem is with time. I always seem to think I have more time than I actually do. I always run out of time, and I can never give activities certain time, I always feel like I have wasted my time no matter what I do.

So lets ask the question again. What do I do now? What do we do now? What do you do now?

I have exams coming up and I am so nervous. Last year I just didn’t go to them. I am so anxious of exams. I never used to be, but then I failed all of them in college and now I just can’t do them. I feel like no matter how hard I revise whenever the word ‘exam’ is mentioned or when I take one I just freeze. I just have a mental block and I can’t seem to get past it.

I have not been diagnosed with anxiety, so I am not going to sit here and write that I have it and know all about it when there are people who have it worse than me, but I can’t shake the feeling of how this inanimate thing makes me feel. Right now I am crying as I write this.

I feel so small, so nervous, I just can’t get over it. I have failed miserably before and I can’t help but feel like I will fail again.

I think what I feel, and what I have mentioned in this post all comes down to failure and disappointment. I don’t like the pressure I put on myself, but I need to apply loads of pressure or I will legit be nothing I want to be.

I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to idly cruise life, I want to do things, I want to make an impact, I want to swim upstream.

I want to make my blog and youtube successful and there is always a doubt in the back of my mind that they will never be. Right now, essentially, they are for me. Nobody reads my blog, nobody watches my videos, they are just a way for me to escape, me literally doing nothing.

This post is almost 1000 words so I am going to continue this on my next post. I know this  is just waffle and all clumped together, I just needed these thoughts out there.

With Love

Katy Nells xoxo

 

I am sorry…

I haven’t been active. I have been shit blogger, but I have been busy with uni, I have shit loads of deadlines in December, so I will be inactive even more but I just wanted to tell you guys what has been going on.

My radio show at uni is now on air, finally. This year I feel like it’s a lot more professional, we have spent a long time planning what we want and we know how to get there so thats great.

I have cut all my hair off and donated it to the little princess trust. I have wanted to do this for a long time, and I have finally done it.

I am going to try and do my blog in the Christmas break, but I am going to be honest I am losing motivation to do this blog, even the youtube thing, I just can’t be arsed.

And I also feel like there is such a huge blogging community that I don’t feel apart of, so I just don’t want to try and push myself into a circle that doesn’t want me. Also, I doubt that people actually read my posts, so that is discouraging me even more, the thought that I am wasting my time, and energy into a blog, that nobody reads or even cares that exists, is really upsetting.

But I want to do this so I will carry on, but it is just natural for me to quit things when I can’t be bothered. I am a quitter, theres not many things that I have kept doing, and sometimes when I stop things I look for an excuse, but it’s just me being bored and lazy and not finishing it.

I want to be honest with whoever reads these posts and whoever watches my YouTube videos, I am and have never been in the right mindset. But hopefully this will change soon, maybe new year new me might actually happen. But for now, I am going to take a step back, I don’t want to create shitty content to keep my blog regular, I want to write something that I have spent time writing, and checking, but with uni that is really difficult since I have loads of work to do and I am not confident that I am a great blogger or ‘youtuber’.

Whoever reads these posts, thank you and I hope you will be patient with me.

Love Always

KatyNells xoxo

Self What?

There are so many people that don’t believe in themselves, which causes them to have low self esteem. And I believe that no one should feel like that about themselves so I am going to write about what it is and how society these days have lost sight on ‘Self Confidence’.

So what actually is ‘Self Confidence’?

Well by definition ‘Self Confidence’ means “A feeling of¬†trust¬†in one‚Äôs¬†abilities, qualities, and¬†judgement” This meaning has lost it way through society as people don’t actually know what it is. We can safely say that self-confidence is easy to obtain from a far distance. All you have to do is trust yourself in the abilities you can do.¬†

Self-Confidence isn’t whether you can wear a dress, walk down a street and not care what anyone thinks, that’s being confident – it is different. It’s having trust in yourself, it’s belief that you can pass that exam, can eat healthier, can learn roller skating, that you can judge a persons character right.¬†

Self-Confidence is hard to get, as there may be many obstacles to go through but when you get it, your self-esteem will rise naturally. This website gives you tips on how to build your self-confidence; http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Confidence

The best things you can do is¬†to know what is great about you, and realise that. If you think saying something about yourself is big headed, its not. Big headed is when people keep going on about how great they are, they only talk about themselves, they don’t have any consideration for others, they are so arrogant, so up there own ass that they can taste their own shit. Saying three things that good about yourself isn’t big headed, if you keep repeating them in the mirror every morning and night you will feel happier, you will trust your qualities and your self confidence will rise, soon you will be able to say “I can pass that chemistry test, I passed the last one I did” and when you believe in yourself that you can do things, when you realise your potential, when you set your mind to a task you can do anything. You will be able to knit a sweater, skydive at 30,000ft, get an A on any test, learn samba dance, you will be able to do anything and that my friends is self-confidence.

Katy Nella xoxo

Having No Motivation

So for the past few months I have had no motivation what so ever to do anything. I have a lot of stuff I need to do but re watching videos on YouTube and re watching my favourite series on Netflix just seems much more appealing to me. It has even taken me ten days to write this post.

Maybe it is because I am lazy, or maybe it is because I am easily distracted. Maybe I am just bored. I am a person who loves change, in someways. I quit things quite a lot because I bored. I have quite ballet, violin, swimming, I kinda quit college by not going in to the lessons. I don’t really finish something I intend or want to do, or I do it so half-heartedly that there is no effort and it is pointless. I like changing my hair colour, because I get bored of it, I want cover my skin in tattoos because my skin, to me, looks plain and boring.

I get tired of things so easily.

So when I have committed to something and gone through with something, like completing a project, reading a book, or even watching a film I dislike , I feel so accomplished.

I have three exams coming up, and two of these exams are on law and economics. I did law and business in college, and some of the topics I studied are on these exams. I feel like I am afraid to fail my first year because I failed my college exams. The pressure is getting to me a lot. I am scared that if I don’t pass then I can’t continue on to my second year, and uni is the one thing that I want to say that I have done, with a lot of effort. But now I just really can’t be arsed doing the work and I can’t complain of failing if I don’t put the effort in, so what do you do when this happens?

Before christmas I went on a night out and I drunk a lot of vodka and got really pissed. And someone made a comment, that shouldn’t have hurt me, but because I was drunk, it really got me, mentally. I was crying as it brought up a lot feelings, and memories from my past, and it brought back loads and loads of shit thoughts that I have had in the past, such as self harm, depressing thoughts and even suicide.

I have had trouble with all these things in the past, for a completely different reason, which I might write a post about or do a video, but when you have had these feelings of worthlessness, and failure, and something as miniature as a grade mark, or a stranger making a comment about being in the way on a public street, can set everything off again.

It is always a cycle.

For me I want to succeed, but there is a constant thought in the back of my head telling me that I can’t do whatever I a trying to do, or that my project will be bad and I will fail, or that I am too fat for anyone to think I am pretty or slim, or that I can’t wear that top I will look fat. Even if I feel great, no matter how happy I feel there is always a bad thought.

I try to do something (revise, tidy my room, go to the gym, eat healthy), then I don’t do it, or I see myself in the mirror and I think why am I doing this, I have tried in the past, it hasn’t worked. And then I feel even more shit because I haven’t done what I have wanted to do, and then thoughts happen again, you’re lazy, you procrastinate to much and it never ends.

I try to think on the positives but when your mind is tipping on the side of negative because you have so many negative thoughts,it just doesn’t help.

I need to change. This weekend I practically spent all of it asleep because my sleeping pattern is messed up, I could have tidied my room and done my work, but I didn’t have the drive to do anything.

What should you do when you feel like this?

I am going to try a bunch of things to tackle this, and then I will try to write them on here. Maybe I shouldn’t say try. I should say do. Replacing ‘try’ words with doing words might help. I don’t know. But I am trying to learn and I am trying to be a better me.

We are put on this earth to be ourselves, and it’s okay to better yourself. This earth needs the best you and you deserve the best self you can. I honestly don’t know if this is making any sense, I got six hours sleep and I have a 9am in an hour so, sorry for the long ass post, I just wanted to get everything of my chest. And if anyone is feeling like this or has felt like this you can get in touch, I will make time to talk,as talking to someone is sometimes one of the best ways to medicate yourself.

Love

KatyNella xoxo