Having No Motivation

So for the past few months I have had no motivation what so ever to do anything. I have a lot of stuff I need to do but re watching videos on YouTube and re watching my favourite series on Netflix just seems much more appealing to me. It has even taken me ten days to write this post.

Maybe it is because I am lazy, or maybe it is because I am easily distracted. Maybe I am just bored. I am a person who loves change, in someways. I quit things quite a lot because I bored. I have quite ballet, violin, swimming, I kinda quit college by not going in to the lessons. I don’t really finish something I intend or want to do, or I do it so half-heartedly that there is no effort and it is pointless. I like changing my hair colour, because I get bored of it, I want cover my skin in tattoos because my skin, to me, looks plain and boring.

I get tired of things so easily.

So when I have committed to something and gone through with something, like completing a project, reading a book, or even watching a film I dislike , I feel so accomplished.

I have three exams coming up, and two of these exams are on law and economics. I did law and business in college, and some of the topics I studied are on these exams. I feel like I am afraid to fail my first year because I failed my college exams. The pressure is getting to me a lot. I am scared that if I don’t pass then I can’t continue on to my second year, and uni is the one thing that I want to say that I have done, with a lot of effort. But now I just really can’t be arsed doing the work and I can’t complain of failing if I don’t put the effort in, so what do you do when this happens?

Before christmas I went on a night out and I drunk a lot of vodka and got really pissed. And someone made a comment, that shouldn’t have hurt me, but because I was drunk, it really got me, mentally. I was crying as it brought up a lot feelings, and memories from my past, and it brought back loads and loads of shit thoughts that I have had in the past, such as self harm, depressing thoughts and even suicide.

I have had trouble with all these things in the past, for a completely different reason, which I might write a post about or do a video, but when you have had these feelings of worthlessness, and failure, and something as miniature as a grade mark, or a stranger making a comment about being in the way on a public street, can set everything off again.

It is always a cycle.

For me I want to succeed, but there is a constant thought in the back of my head telling me that I can’t do whatever I a trying to do, or that my project will be bad and I will fail, or that I am too fat for anyone to think I am pretty or slim, or that I can’t wear that top I will look fat. Even if I feel great, no matter how happy I feel there is always a bad thought.

I try to do something (revise, tidy my room, go to the gym, eat healthy), then I don’t do it, or I see myself in the mirror and I think why am I doing this, I have tried in the past, it hasn’t worked. And then I feel even more shit because I haven’t done what I have wanted to do, and then thoughts happen again, you’re lazy, you procrastinate to much and it never ends.

I try to think on the positives but when your mind is tipping on the side of negative because you have so many negative thoughts,it just doesn’t help.

I need to change. This weekend I practically spent all of it asleep because my sleeping pattern is messed up, I could have tidied my room and done my work, but I didn’t have the drive to do anything.

What should you do when you feel like this?

I am going to try a bunch of things to tackle this, and then I will try to write them on here. Maybe I shouldn’t say try. I should say do. Replacing ‘try’ words with doing words might help. I don’t know. But I am trying to learn and I am trying to be a better me.

We are put on this earth to be ourselves, and it’s okay to better yourself. This earth needs the best you and you deserve the best self you can. I honestly don’t know if this is making any sense, I got six hours sleep and I have a 9am in an hour so, sorry for the long ass post, I just wanted to get everything of my chest. And if anyone is feeling like this or has felt like this you can get in touch, I will make time to talk,as talking to someone is sometimes one of the best ways to medicate yourself.

Love

KatyNella xoxo

 

Cheap Make Up – Is it worth it?

So I have wanted to get Jeffree Stars’ liquid lipsticks as well as Kylie Jenners’, but as I don’t have money to actually buy or pay for the delivery charge I decided to turn to cheap option in the UK. So I went on to Superdug.co.uk and searched for some lipsticks and highlighters, to see what the hype of these products are. The overall price for my order was about £37 but that is because of all the promotional discounts .

I will be discussing my first impressions and how I feel about these products. So first of all I swatched the highlighters, three are from a brand called ‘MUA’ they were round £3 and with the ‘three for 2’ offer they were a little less. And the other is from ‘Revolution’ and that was about £5. The first picture are off the pans that the product is in from left to right is what the product is called; Iridescent Gold, Radiant Cashmere, Pink Shimmer and Radiant Lights. On my arm radiant lights is first followed by the order above.

My first impression is that I am disappointed by Revolution, it is not as shimmery as I expected, the only reason I bought this product is because the colour that MUA had wasn’t in stock and this was the closest I could find. Besides that it is a pretty colour and I could mix it with another lighter highlighter to keep the colour but get the shimmer. With this swatch I had to go back into the pan a few times for it to actually look like it has pigment in it, which is great, so I will probably not use it that much, or I might use it as a bronzer.

Now I was surprised about the MUA highlighters, they are more pigmented, more shimmery and the colours are beautifu. My favourite has to be pink shimmer though, as with my skintone it is subtle, so if I were to put it on my cheeks you would hardly notice, which is how I like my make up, so for me that’s perfect. I also bought some lumi drops from gosh in the colour ‘Vanilla’ as I thought it was a more ‘posher’ highlighter if you will, but I am really really disappointed in this product as you would need to put a lot of product on your face for it too look like you have used a highlighter, I did have a picture but it is pointless to upload as you can’t tell the difference from the swatch to my skin. So the highlighting drops are a huge no-no from me.

Now time for the liquid lipsticks. So I did buy a Kylie Jenner Lip Kit in the colour ‘Posie K’ a few weeks ago, but it cost about £40 including delivery, so for me it wasn’t worth it. But the product itself I feel is amazing. The applicator is fluffy and feels nice on the lips, the product smells really nice, however I thought the colour was lighter and was disappointed when it arrived and it looked incredibly dark on my lips, but I eventually liked the product. The product did come off after a few hours and it came off even quicker when I ate a McFlurry, but not everything is ever lasting.

Now on to the MUA lipsticks. The lipstick ‘Velvet Vamp’ is from Revolution but the rest are from MUA. When I saw the packaging it looked and felt luxurious. It kind of had a ‘frosted glass’ look. I just want to state something now, on the product itself it says ‘long-wear matte finish lip lacquer’ now with my previous experiences with some of these products (I wore two a few days ago) they were not long-wear, mine came/rubbed/flaked off within two-three hours leaving a line around my lips, which means I would have to carry the product around to reapply it. But this opinion is different for everyone depending on what your definition on long lasting is, mine is more than four hours so in that regard I am dis appointed with the lip lacquers. But never the less the colours are pretty. I have swatched a few but some of the pictures disappeared. They all went on great but they needed a few more dips then more application on to my lips to get full pigmentation. They smelt gorgeous, and the applicators were great to cover my lips in the product. But what I was disappointed about was the ‘MUA LUXE’ metallic lips, they didn’t dry matte, which I think they were supposed to do, and you could hardly tell they were metallic as there wasn’t much shimmer, so my advice would to be buy the metallic ones from a luxury brand such as Kylie Cosmetics.

My favourite lip lacquers are Zest, Tranquillity and Posie k.

After swatching all of the lipsticks my lips felt numb, tingly, sticky and horrible, so I just simply put on some lip scrub then coated them in lip balm to try and get some moisture back in them and it worked. What I used are the last two pictures.

So my opinion is that if you pay for more luxury brands you will have to pay that luxury price but in some cases it is completely worth it, and I probably if I was more interested in to make up, but to me spending £30 on eyeshadow is absolutely ludicrous as for shoes however I could easily spend at least £100 on one pair!!

Remember just be you.

Katy Nella xoxo

Work got me like

So I have a part time job. I have had it since half way through my second year of college, and when I am home from uni they want me to work. So I earn money, go back to uni and spend it on the essentials; you know that Russian Standard Vodka? Anyway, this weekend they had me work Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Safe to say that my feet hate me, but they can’t run away, since, you know they are attached to my body? No, not funny? I will just move on.

I work for a local catering company as a waitress. People hire them to cater for the event and I serve them the food. I like working for the company because I am not being a waitress in one place all the time like Pizza Hut, TGIF’S, Nandos etc I actually get to do a lot of different events, I have worked at a wedding, a few prom’s, charity events, church lunches, school reunions and a steam train. The company have a contract with a rail line that offer dinners, murder mystery evenings which require food which is where we come in.

Anyway, the event I worked at today (Sunday 4-7-16) gave me the inspiration to write this post. I get to work in so many different environments, I interact with a lot of different people and I meet new people that have joined the waitressing team. Which means I have gained a lot of skills and traits which I wouldn’t have learnt if I didn’t put my CV in.

Today I served a 40th wedding anniversary. It was stunning. There were red and white ribbons, rose petals, diamonds, fairy lights. It was truly beautiful and the building inside especially the staircase, I was amazed at the beauty that my eyes saw. I immediately said to myself that I need to get a picture of the staircase as my mum is obsessed with them, and I did right at the end of the event.

It just got me thinking that I am lucky that I get to do all these things, I get to experience events that I wouldn’t go to, I have learnt skills that I never knew existed, like “Silver Serving” which is the art of transferring food (different types of veg, meat, potatoes and bread) from one place (oven tray, basket or turine) to another (preferably the dinner plate) by using a spoon and a fork in your dominant hand.

Yes, it sounds difficult but once you master the skill you are a little bit more unique than those around you, unless you work with people who have to do it for their job then you are on par, but it’s a skill you can blab about.

Working has taught me many things like team work, organisation, punctuality, responsibility, it has taught me that working for money feels and is a lot better than asking your parents for it and getting to know that you can buy things with your own money is amazing. It has also taught me how to manage my money better, and I am no saint, I have spent and can happily spend £200 in a week on shoes and clothes. But, working has helped me put a reign on my spending habbits as I only earn a certain amount so ican only spend a certain amount.

My point is that work may seem like a pain, and it is a huge one in your ass, but what you learn from the job whether it be good or bad, it teaches you in a way that you don’t think is possible. You may learn that you hate jobs like that so you know in the future not to apply for a job like that again, you learn things that may transfer to your next job and of course the major plus is the money that you put in your pocket.

So life advice: Get a job. You will so much better about money and the fact that you are getting out of the house. Working makes my life a little less boring.

Katy Nella xoxo

#3 – Flatmates

Meeting new people is daunting. Especially when you are going to be living with them for just under a year. You have to get to know them or you will just be stuck in your room with no-one to speak to or to do anything with and no-one wants to be on their own. It is horrible. There may be people that you are put with that you get on amazingly well with and there are some people you have to live with that you really don’t want to. Last year I was on my foundation year and the people I lived with were really nice. We got on well, we cooked together, we went out together, we went shopping together, we even stayed in and watched movies together. But it wasn’t always a picnic. There were a few people that would use your stuff without asking, which is just plain rude, especially if they don’t even wash the stuff they used, which happened a lot in my flat. There was this one person, lets call them John Doe, who would use everyone else’s food without asking, his excuse was that,”The food I ate were the essentials and I thought we would all share the essential food”. Which was bullshit and he knew that as we all had out own butter, bread, milk and ham.

He had his own butter and he used one of my other flatmates till it was gone. This flatmate never really used his butter and when he needed to it was mostly gone because John Doe used it all. I really didn’t like this guy, in freshers he creeped me out. One night the lads decided to go out, but one of them didn’t have any ID so they stayed in and drank, I had been out the night before so I wasn’t really feeling particularly up to it. Anyway, I put on my pyjamas, and as I was sleeping I didn’t wear a bra so I put a cardigan on. I went and sat with the lads and some went downstairs for a cig whilst me John Doe and another lad stayed upstairs. He would then ask me to take my cardigan off, saying that it wasn’t cold blah blah blah, he was really drunk but that is no excuse to act like a total asshole, then us three went downstairs to join the others. The person that I would be really close with in the future asked me why I had a cardigan on, to which I said jokingly “I am outside, I am pretty cold”, he said fair enough and laughed. Then John Doe decided to put his arm around me and rub my arm, I was so freaked out and just disgusted, one of the lads noticed this and said shall we go upstairs, which I ran up the stairs. When he put his arm around me I just moved away straight away.

The lads told me a few weeks after that he liked me. I didn’t like him back, he wasn’t my type at all, he was the ‘nice guy’. And they would tell me that he is a nice guy, because he had nothing going for him, not personality, not body and not looks. They tried so hard to get me to date him, which was not going to happen. They kept asking me why I wouldn’t give him a chance as he was the ‘nice guy’ after all, and I simply replied “Just because he is the ‘nice guy’ does not mean that I am obliged to ‘take one for the team’ and give him a date, I will go out with someone to whom I am attracted to, and I am not attracted to him. If I went on a date with him it would be the shittest, most awkward date ever and it would be even more bitchy if I did that then told him ‘It was actually a pity date, the lads begged me to go on with you’ nothing is ever going to happen.” The lads just said fair enough and then they dropped the whole thing, with making jokes to it later on in the year of course.

At the ending of freshers party, we all went and they kept pushing him into me and he still tried to get with me if you will, no matter hard I tried to get away he just wouldn’t get the hint. I could have said ‘look I don’t like you, leave me alone’ but I just couldn’t be that mean, so I snogged a few lads to try and tell him to away. Not the best thing to do I know but sometimes you have got to do what you have got to do.

The reason why I told you that story is because you may have a flatmate like that or you may not, but if you are a girl and something like this happens just tell them straight at the beginning that nothing will happen. I t will be awkward but it will be the best thing to do as giving someone hope to just rip it off them is one of the most evil things you can do to someone. And if you are a guy and a girl is sending hints that she doesn’t want to flirt, talk to or do anything with you, just leave it. There will be plenty more fish in the sea.

I know this is a super long post but there are a lot of tips and stories to do with moving in. So I am now in my first year at uni doing a Journalism degree and I am in halls, so I had to meet different people again. They all seem nice, it’s early days yet as we have only lived with each other a few weeks, but the people seem nice. Some actually went out tonight and I felt a little bit left out because I wasn’t asked to go out and in these situations you need to meet people you need to have good times, but then again I was spending time with my boyfriend as he is going home this weekend to watch the football.

If you ever feel like you can’t make friends or you are super shy or have anxiety when meeting new people, don’t worry you are not on your own. Ask on the freshers pages if anyone wants to meet new people then set up a group chat, ask your flatmates if you can go out with them one night (that is what I am going to do on Thursday, so I will let you know if that works), just ask people if they want a brew, if they want to go to the common room and what not. This is your time to branch out and meet new personalities.

So all in all what I am trying to say is that don’t be put off by the bad experiences that come with halls, there will be so many good ones that out weigh the bad and you will meet so many new people and make so many new memories. I personally think living in halls is the best option, you can commute, but for your future, I would recommend living in halls.

Best Wishes

Hope your new flatmates aren’t from hell.

Katy Nella xo

#2 -Freshers Baby

What exactly is freshers?

Well officially freshers is time at the beginning of September where there are deals in the clubs that students go to, to get all the newbies acquainted with the nightlife and to get them to go crazy when spending money. Last year at my uni there was this ‘promotions’ group that did events at specific clubs where you would probably go after freshers finished. These events were like paint parties, a schoolies night and zoo parties etc. Anyway most of the events were shit, so my advice would be if there is a wristband you can buy for the events, DONT GET IT. Unless you are going to go to all of them it’s pointless and a huge waste of money. There are normally spare tickets that people sell so wait until you know which ones you want to go to and which ones your flatmates and classmates are going to.

I would go to a few events ’cause you learn about the place you will be living at for nine months and you know whether or not you want to go to them places again, so there are good and bad experiences, it’s just up to you go out to experience and learn them. If you don’t risk anything then you are stuck in the same boring place with nothing to do.

But unofficially it’s a time to get absolutely fucked and to wreck your liver. Every day and night it is just about alcohol. In the day you get your outfit planned, you discuss your plans for the night, you get your drinks ready for pre drinks, then you get ready, you skip tea cause you don’t want to throw up that night, then you go to the flat where you are going to drink before you drink as it is the cheapest option, then you get to the club spend as much as you want because you are a naïve fresher then you can’t walk, talk or function in any way, but you want that take away, so you take off your heels walk to the take away and order the greasiest, fattening grub that you can afford, then you go to the taxi spend money on an extortionate fare, stumble into your building, make a lot of noise entering your flat, which I might add starts the flat war as everyone who stayed in now hates you for screaming ‘Man Don’t Care’ at four in the morning, you then go into room and either stuff your face in chips and red salt or you pass out on your bed, then you wake up hungover as fuck running to the bathroom to break your tap to get as much water in your system as humanly possible before getting ready to do your day of lectures or just missing the whole day to get up at five, receiving a message from your mate asking you ‘You out tonight?’, you want to say no but before you can send a message you are out getting your drinks to start the night all over again.

Enjoy freshers new and old students!

Katy Nella xo

#1 – Moving In

It’s nerve-wracking and daunting moving in to someplace new and having to meet the people you will live with for the year. You will live with people that you may have never been friends with at school – in my case that was all my flatmates. If you are sharing a bathroom you will have to get use to other peoples bathroom schedules, you better hope you don’t live with a Sheldon. But it is such a great experience, it really does push you out of your comfort zone and it makes you do stuff that you would have never normally of done.

It is scary leaving the place you feel most comfortable. Your room, your bed, your family will not be there, you are now living independently and I was really, really nervous of this and meeting my new flatmates.

I embarrassed myself in front of everyone within the first hour of me moving in. My mum and I were putting away my food. Because there was a lot of food we took it in to the kitchen in a suitcase.

So I was just finished putting all of my freezer food away and I fell into my suitcase, and I just lay on the floor for about ten minuets :’) This was in front of two of my new flatmates so my cheeks were really red from embarrassment.  So I wouldn’t worry about making an absolute fool of yourself, it will be a great memory and talking point later down the road.

Living by yourself is great. You’re independent. You feel free. You make your own meals, you are in charge of what you eat and every aspect of your life. When you wash your clothes, when/if you get up for your lectures. What you watch/listen too, there is no one there telling you to turn it down, change the channel, there is no one  bugging you, except of you get noise complaints then that’s a different story.

But the main point of this post was tell you, yes it is scary moving from the one place you feel safe, to a vast abyss of not knowing where anything is, who people are and what to do when you are on your own but it will teach you many lessons and you will have an experience of a lifetime.

KatyNells xoxo

A New Epiphany

(This post was written on this date 9/24/2016, and I published it on my other blog, but have now moved it to this one.)

I have come to realise in the past few days that I take a lot for granted. Living in the life of luxury, not as luxurious as some, but still more fortunate than others. I have laptops, cameras, a phone, speakers and that doesn’t really mean anything. I am lucky to have access to the necessary things such as love, family, friends, warmth, shelter, a bed, education and water.

Many people don’t have these things. Someone could have a family but no love, someone could have a shelter but no bed, someone may have friends but no family and there are people out living in this world with nothing.

For the past two days the water has stopped working in my flat. My flat that I pay £4000 for a year for, the flat I am going to live in for the next year so I can study at University, then get a job and pay near £40,000 back for the rest of my life. Many people don’t get this opportunity, they can’t choose what uni to go to, they can’t choose what course they want to study, they don’t even get to choose if they want to go as they don’t have the means to go. Many students, children, even adults moan and complain about every day life. The things we complain about are so trivial. ‘The mortgage is too much to pay.’ ‘I can’t pay for this night out, my banks a bitch.’ ‘My mum and dad will not let me have a party. I hate them.’ ‘Omg I can’t believe I spent £30.00 on this eyeshadow pallet. it is shit’.

We take so much for granted. I have not had any water, I can’t flush my toilet, wash my hands, have a shower, make a cup of tea, make pasta, or simply get a glass of water to drink. I had to go to the shop to buy about 8 litres of water. I could do that. Many people in this situation can’t simply pop down to their local Nisa and buy bottles of water.

I don’t even know why I am writing this post. I myself can’t really do anything to sort this situation or even help. I can later in my life, but right now I can’t and I might seem like a brat, but for me living without something for even a day has made me realise that somethings are precious and we really need to take in what we have. The opportunities we have.

The next time something doesn’t go to plan, I am going to try and not to complain because I am lucky to have my life. I am lucky to be writing this post and posting it on the internet that I have access to. There are a lot of people that are worse off then us. Everyone has problems, everyone is going through something or has gone through something and we just need to take that in to account the next time we want to complain of slow wifi or overpriced coffee.

Katy Nella xo

What should I do now that my life is apart?

 

Okay, so we all have a plan, or a vision, or a dream, or a path we want to take to make the life we want, the life we think we deserve. In this dream of ours we will take a certain path, we will do everything to stay on this path, and we fall apart when our journey along this path is haltered, when it just stops. A tree has been struck by lightning and has fallen in front of us stopping us from continuing on the path. This journey; we have engraved into ourselves is the only thing we can do, we tell ourselves “This is the only path in life I can walk, I can’t go any other way, or else my life is nothing, its not what I want, this isn’t what I envisioned in my dreams”. We spend time blaming others for creating an event that stop us from achieving what we so desire, we look for reasons why everything has gone tits up, why our plan is ruined, and during this time we are so wrapped up in the events that caused an obstruction in our path, that instead of looking for another path around this catastrophe we lose ourselves in the mental destruction of our own brain, cycling in to what we feel the abyss of nothingness because we believe that our life will no longer be what we want, that it will be horrible and shitty because ‘we cant do something’. Well I will tell you something, that’s complete and utter bullshit, you can do something, you just need to leave the path and search for another one, and who knows this new path could lead you to new and even better things than you could even dream. Hard it is, searching for a rope to pull you ‘out if the abyss of nothingness’ and then finding a new route to take. I know, I have been through it.

Soon the A Level results will be released and as I have been an A2 student I have recieved the results that could get me into uni or stop me from going. Before the results I wanted to go to the University of Exeter to study Archaeology and Anthropology, the entry results were ABB, I revised so much, I did well in my exams, well with the knowledge anyway, but I didn’t answer the questions properly, I tried to but I just didn’t get what the questions meant, which isn’t stupid or dumb I just got really confused and answered them best I could.  But my best wasn’t good enough since I left college with a C in Psychology and two D’s in Business Studies and Law, obviously I was gutted I honestly felt like my whole world fell apart, I just saw that I was put in ‘Clearing’ and I burst into tears, at 8 am my mum came in saw me and made me a brew (because they make everything better) but I was in complete and utter devastation, I felt like life stamped on my heart and I couldn’t see anything clearly, I thought that my life was going to be shit because its not what I wanted, it wasn’t the dream or path I wanted to take.

My path stopped. It went right off a cliff into a huge, deep, dark ocean never to be seen again. Obviously I couldn’t not travel down that road anymore as it no longer existed, I had to look for alternative routes, and luckily I found one, through the clearing of some trees I found an untouched path full of new adventures for me to go on, full of new dreams to dream, for different people to meet, that leads to a different future for myself. Now I am going to study Journalism at the University of Central Lancashire, which is probably the better fit for me as everyone has told me that I suit that course more also its closer to my friends, my family and I will probably see more of them than I would have originally done.

So what I am trying to say is that even if you have to change your direction, and you think your plan is over, its not. When there is a spanner in the works pull it out and get the gears working again and find an alternative route that is different, brighter, more exotic, more challenging, with more excitement, danger and risk.

Katy Nella xoxo

Self What?

There are so many people that don’t believe in themselves, which causes them to have low self esteem. And I believe that no one should feel like that about themselves so I am going to write about what it is and how society these days have lost sight on ‘Self Confidence’.

So what actually is ‘Self Confidence?

Well by definition ‘Self Confidence’ means “A feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgement” This meaning has lost it way through society as people don’t actually know what it is. We can safely say that self-confidence is easy to obtain from a far distance. All you have to do is trust yourself in the abilities you can do. 

Self-Confidence isn’t whether you can wear a dress, walk down a street and not care what anyone thinks, that’s being confident – it is different. It’s having trust in yourself, it’s belief that you can pass that exam, can eat healthier, can learn roller skating, that you can judge a persons character right. 

Self-Confidence is hard to get, as there may be many obstacles to go through but when you get it, your self-esteem will rise naturally. This website gives you tips on how to build your self-confidence; http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Confidence

The best things you can do is to know what is great about you, and realise that. If you think saying something about yourself is big headed, its not. Big headed is when people keep going on about how great they are, they only talk about themselves, they don’t have any consideration for others, they are so arrogant, so up there own ass that they can taste their own shit. Saying three things that good about yourself isn’t big headed, if you keep repeating them in the mirror every morning and night you will feel happier, you will trust your qualities and your self confidence will rise, soon you will be able to say “I can pass that chemistry test, I passed the last one I did” and when you believe in yourself that you can do things, when you realise your potential, when you set your mind to a task you can do anything. You will be able to knit a sweater, skydive at 30,000ft, get an A on any test, learn samba dance, you will be able to do anything and that my friends is self-confidence.

Katy Nella xoxo